She woke at 4:00 A.M. and tried to make the best of it by convincing herself that it was a gift to see the sun rise. She decided to indulge, getting herself a bottle of Cranberry Raspberry Energy drink and enjoy the peace of early morning. She knows she has to ration this latest addiction of hers and that she only has 6 bottles left for the week. It seems that during the worst periods of her life, Elizabeth has had something like this in her life, some sort of temporary addiction as security. At one point it was a particular kind of gum. She remembers how she absentmindedly left the chewed up wads of gum everywhere and drove her home care-workers crazy. She would then suddenly loose her desire for whatever it was at the time and move on to something else. At that time, after her husband died, she qualified for help, as she was plagued with social anxiety, not being able to go out in public without panic. It was a very destructive time for Elizabeth, as she did nothing but sit in her chair soothing herself with food. She made plans in her head for months after her husband's death to take steps to change, how she would go to the doctor. and get help. It had been so long that she did not know where to start. Finally, one day she wrote the last doctor she had seen a letter, telling her all about the state she was in and asking for help. The doctor responded and helped her get through the initial appointment by arranging for a wheelchair to meet her in the parking lot and not making her wait in the lobby with people. She did not want to be weighed and she was not, because she knew it would be horrifying to know how much she had let things get out of control. She had been indulging in everything possible, self-medicating with food, for years. It was a relief to get some help. She was prescribed medication, an anti-depressant, and an anti-anxiety. An appointment was made for her with a therapist named Doreen.
This was the beginning of her new life. She finally came to terms with
herself , realizing that she had been depressed for years, had been
living in an emotionally abusive marriage, and was deprived of more than
one basic human need. She felt validated, no longer blaming herself
for everything, no longer running away. Doreen was her #1 fan, helping
her deal with the obstacles in her life. She helped her make the
decision to have the surgery that would limit her food intake as
suggested by her doctor. Elizabeth had a hard time with this, as she
was proud of how efficient, predictable and perfect her digestive system
was, and did not want to mess with one of the few things that worked
well in her life, one of the few things that were predictable in her
life. Finally she decided to take the leap, as in reality, her life was
so miserable as it was that she felt it could not get worse. She hated
not having control over her eating and hated food and making decisions
about food. She always felt better when she was on one of the hundreds
of diets she had tried throughout her life. She was constantly plagued
with anxiety and hatred of food and disgust at herself after she had
over-indulged. She had inherited the body type of her mother who also
had self-hatred because of it and was always trying to battle it. She
was instilled with the belief that this was an undesirable body to have
and that somehow one had the ability to change it. She had always felt
that she was ugly, as she had been branded as such at a very early age
by a strange boy on the shores of a lake during a family picnic who
said "what are you looking at, ugly"? This felt like a hot iron burning
this word into her soul. She would never forget the feeling. She was
very young at the time, but it made a mark that lasted. It made her
start questioning her appearance and she would stare at herself in the
mirror, trying to determine if this were true or not. Since her mother
did not believe in complimenting one's children lest they become vain,
she was never told anything positive about herself, only negative. Her
father did, however, on a few occasions, tell her she looked pretty, as
did a few strangers on the street who told her she looked like Elizabeth
Taylor due to her long curly black hair. Elizabeth had always gotten
attention because of her hair..both good and bad. As a child it was
always positive, the ringlets her mother twisted into her pony tail
always attracted attention and comments. This was secretly very
enjoyable to Elizabeth, even though she blushed and froze when anyone
spoke to her. It was the one thing that brought positive attention.
Her mother was secretly pleased also, however never stating this fact
for fear of excess vanity. As she grew older, she was teased because of
her curly hair, being called frizzy lizzy and brillo-pad and she hated
her hair. She felt it was punishment for enjoying the positive attention
in the past. This was during the time when hair had to be smooth and
straight to be desirable. She tried so hard to make it that way but it
never quite worked, not unlike losing her out- of- proportion hip to
waist ratio. One could only have a few inches difference between the waist measurement and the hip measurement to be considered to be acceptable.
The whole process of getting accepted for the surgery was very difficult for Elizabeth due to the fact that appointments were at a hospital 50 miles away. She had to have a volunteer driver take her to these appointments, so she was forced to spend quite a bit of time in cars with strangers. This was extremely out of her comfort zone and she felt as if she were in another world. The only way she could handle it was to retreat from reality and become someone else, a robotic person with no fear or emotions who could carry on a conversation with these people. One man in particular was very nice and understood her plight so she could talk to him a bit more. They even had lunch at a restaurant, and he did not flinch at being seen in public with her. The first 6 months of going through the acceptance process for the surgery ended with Elizabeth being rejected by the surgeon as being too risky, with him making the comment that he didn't think she would be successful, and any failure would negatively affect his success record. He did not care how much she needed it, how committed she was, how much it would affect her life. She cried on the way home with that old man driving the car and comforting her. She hated the surgeon. After speaking with Doreen, she decided to go through the process again at a different hospital. This time she got through with no problem whatsoever and went ahead with it. She was alone through the whole thing, telling no one except her 2 children so they would know in case she died. She told her family she was getting her gall bladder removed which was not a lie because that would be done also. Her sister was to come and stay with her a couple days after the surgery since she could not be alone.
Everything went smoothly, until it was time to go home. Elizabeth called for a volunteer driver to take her home, telling the agency to send someone with a car, not a van as it would be difficult after the surgery. A van showed up; the people helping her to the car got distracted as she was trying to get into the vehicle and did not hold on to her; the lady driving was in a hurry and grabbed her leg to try and help her lift it, and she fell onto the cold concrete. No one could get her up. She had to be there for over 2 hours, on display to everyone who came and went into the clinic. She was in extreme pain, both physically and mentally. It was the most humiliating experience; she could not bear to even think about it for years. She was not making logical decisions as she was so distraught; she just wanted to get out of there and go home. In fact, she should have insisted on going back into the hospital and on staying at least another night. She had twisted her knee very severely in the fall. They had to summon the helicopter 6 person rescue team to use their team technique to get her up. She felt like a beached whale laying there on the sidewalk. For one such as Elizabeth who despised drawing attention to herself, this was hell. If only she had not let this feeling make her flee, having to ride the whole way home with an extremely angry volunteer driver who blamed everyone except herself for what happened. Everyone involved was concerned about one thing, not being blamed for it and covering it up. Upon arrival home, she got into her apartment and her sister was waiting. Elizabeth was totally exhausted but relieved to be home.
As time went by that night, the pain in her knee became unbearable and
she realized she had injured herself. Her mind would not let her feel
the physical pain at the time, it was blocked by the extreme anxiety of
being on display on the sidewalk, enduring the stares, the smirks, and
by the embarrassment that her size made it impossible to get her up. She
could not get up out of the chair to go to the bathroom, she could not
take care of herself. She tried to get help by calling the hospital and
asking if she could take medication for the pain with her newly healing
stapled stomach but got no help whatsoever. They had no knowledge of
her fall, it had been erased from the records or more likely never
recorded. She then tried to call the local hospital and explain her
plight but they were totally useless. Finally she called the emergency
room; they sent an ambulance, and once again, she had to trust others
who were supposed to help her walk to the door. She was terrified they
would let her fall like the others. They got her to the door by having
her sit on her desk chair and pushing her. They then got her on the
gurney, strapped her on , and soon she was in the emergency room being
examined as if a strange creature had washed up on the beach. She had
to endure a cat scan as well as every other possible invasion of her
person. Finally, they pumped some muscle relaxers into her arm and she
went into a coma- like sleep. She was very uncomfortable, feeling as if
at any moment she would fall off the examining table they had her
laying on. It was hard and too small for a person of her size. She
knew this whole day was a lesson that would never be forgotten; she
would never let herself get to that point again. They did not think she
was capable of taking care of herself, they did not want to let her go
home. They did not take into consideration that she had major surgery
three days before and that she was weak, that she had just been through
the most grueling ordeal on every level, and that she was in extreme
pain. Yes she had to be cleaned up and helped to the bathroom. She had
to fight for the right to go home. Finally, when the sun came up, she
was released. She had to prove that she could walk and stand which she
did.. Her sister, who was furious at her for not telling her the whole
truth about the surgery, came with a cane and she made it into the car
and back home. Elizabeth tried to explain that the reason she did not
tell was that she did not want to have to explain it to everyone, to
hear all the negative warnings, to deal with all the questions and the
expectations and pressure. She wanted to do this on her own and keep it
to herself. Now her sister knew and Elizabeth made her say she would
not reveal it to the rest of the family or anyone else
From that point forward things went well and the weight fell off
quickly with no effort. She no longer had the same desire for food, it
actually made her sick to think about eating. She could not even stand
to watch others eat. She soon did not recognize her reflection and she
had no clothes that fit. She knew she would never be thin , but
considering where she started, the results were far more positive than
she could have dreamed. She could tell when the staring stopped, at
what weight one was considered to be no longer worthy of stares, at, at what
weight one could just merely fit in as an overweight woman, not a circus
freak where rude comments were made loud enough for you to hear as if
you were deaf as well as obese. This was a major breakthrough for
Elizabeth and a very interesting observation of human nature. With this realization, she knew she could conquer her fear of going to the grocery store and riding a
scooter, which had always been an option, but she could not even bear to
think about it when she was 125 lbs heavier. Now, with the help of
Doreen, who acted as a scout at the store, in order to help
Elizabeth with her mental action plan. Elizabeth could not deal with
any unexpected deviations, so it had to be researched in advance as far
as the exact location of the scooters in the store, if there were any
benches to sit and wait in case there were none available, where the
handicapped parking was, if one had to walk through a lane of traffic in
the parking lot which caused Elizabeth to freeze in panic. The first
trip was to a smaller store in a town a few miles away, as she did not
want to run into anyone she knew. She felt safer amongst strangers. The day came when it was to be done.
Elizabeth could now walk to her car, and drive herself to the store.
She now felt confident enough to go in, get on the scooter and
drive. It had been at least 10 years since she had been in a store so
she felt like a child going to the circus. All the colors, all the
lights, all the noises, all the people were overwhelming. She spent a
long time just driving up and down the aisles looking at things she had
never seen. When she left she felt wonderfully powerful and free. She
knew it would not be long before she would be able to go to the larger
local store and not worry about who saw her and what they thought. She
had not had any negative responses from anyone in the store as she had
the last time she went. She did not break out in a sweat and freeze and
start to cry. She did not have the manager asking if she needed an
ambulance as she checked out. This was a major breakthrough. Every
little step was gigantic and she knew she would never go back to that
life trapped in her apartment, depending on others for everything, and
putting up with unbearably annoying people in her home, but having no
choice as she needed their help. She knew she would get rid of them
one day and be on her own. Her husband had been doing all of the
shopping for years, enabling her to exist in this way. She was given a
gift, the gift of a new life and she was going to accept this gift and
move ahead and out of the hole from which she had been trying so hard to
escape for so many years. Elizabeth was back. She had crawled out of
the hole.
These memories come and go for Elizabeth.
Sometimes she lets them flow and other times she tries to block them as
she cannot go through it all again. This morning she could let them
flow as she heard the birds and watched the sun and heard the people
outside leaving for their day. She finished her drink and decided to go
back to sleep with the help of 1/2 of a Xanax because one rock turned
over is enough for one day. One never knows what one may find under the
next one.
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