Elizabeth needs care. It is already the afternoon and she has been in her recliner all day. She woke at 8:30 this morning which is good, but she immediately tried to call her the person who abandoned her a couple days ago. She still cannot quite accept that it has happened again . Of course she got the answering machine again. She as been hurt by this person many times in her life but she was the only friend she had as a child and keeps going back to her. It is toxic to be around such an unstable individual but for some reason she is drawn to her. There is a certain security in knowing someone's behavior and knowing what they are capable of, the degree of their evil, and knowing what to expect. Also this person has the means to help and does so for a while until she becomes bored and decides she is being "used", disappearing and abandoning the person who has become dependent on her for survival. It is her mode of operation. This was known by Elizabeth going in and she must accept that she got through another 2 months with things a bit easier. Now she has come to that conclusion and will not be calling and trying again as that is pathetic and the toxic one feeds on that as she has seen it time and time again when it was done to others by this person.
Elizabeth has not been taking care of herself. She has been in a deep state of depression and anxiety for the last few days after the latest abandonment. This causes everyday tasks to appear to be nearly impossible to perform, which includes showering, brushing teeth, washing hair,and dressing. She does not notice her surroundings. This will be the first step in the restoration process today. It must become a routine procedure, not just something done when one is going out amongst them or on the rare occasion when one of them is entering her space. These tasks will be initiated immediately. It is 1:49 PM. Elizabeth finds it necessary to plan things out step by step in her mind before she proceeds. Steps needed for this task are as follows: Rise from the chair, Walk to the wheelchair; Wheel down the hall to the bathroom; Rise from wheelchair; Prepare for the painful and unsafe entry into the shower. This is very difficult for Elizabeth on a good day. She knows it is not safe to be here alone in her condition for many reasons. She is unable to get help from the agencies and cannot afford to pay anyone to help her. She has been deemed "too independent" to qualify for assistance. She must fall and remove all possibility of independence before she can get help. This is a major cause of anxiety because she knows there is no one who would find her if she fell and she would not be able to get up. Getting in and out of the bathtub for her shower is always a struggle and dangerous. She is brave to try but she will...on a good day..so here she goes. It is unfortunate that there is no one who checks on her welfare on a daily basis. She must be protected and saved.
Task completed with no unfortunate occurrences. Also, after partially dressing , Elizabeth actually called the clinic for an appointment for her B12 shot at 4:00. This is also a very important restorative step as she tends to put it off due to the difficulty in going out among" them", as well as the fact that at this time she has no money to buy gas for the journey. This gas was one of the promises made by the" toxic one" who did not follow through. Elizabeth is extremely hesitant to ask for help because it has not worked out well in the past. There are always strings attached as well as the loss of the person from her life as they feel she is not worth the trouble. They sometimes feel she only wants them around because she wants them to do things for her which results in them not coming at all. This is a fear as she only has 4 people who come to visit more than once or twice a year, and it is always a fear in the back of her mind that she will lose them too She pushed herself and asked for a ride from a relative who she feels she can sparingly ask for help in extreme circumstances. As her B12 levels go down, so does her motivation to function as well as her energy level and decision making skills. This is unfortunate because it is usually too late by the time she realizes it is time. Perhaps she should be more vigilant in maintaining her schedule of shots and not allow herself to deviate or make excuses for not going. In addition, she is eating a sandwich, drinking juice, and took her vitamins. Her tendency to rebel against any schedule or routine in her life sometimes works against her. She realizes it is not working and needs to change in order to maintain some control over her nutritional needs. Her food intake needs to be more closely monitored as she runs out of food before the end of the month, as well as money, causing extreme anxiety and panic to set in. Money is and always has been an issue for her and has caused many problems due to the anxiety it causes. In believing an unstable individual's promise to assist, she has put herself in jeopardy, as she made her decisions based on the promises made. She finds herself at a very low point with an overwhelming sense that there are too many problems at once. This sent her into a downward spiral which has necessitated the restoration. A strict schedule must be established and followed in order to survive at the minimum level of existence that is her lot in life. Elizabeth dreams of more but it never comes. It is better that she not associate with those with more as it tends to bring her down further and it does not lend itself to contentment with what she has. Even though they may sporadically help her with essentials in between their spa appointments, they cannot be depended upon and they do not truly care one way or another if she survives. She is their "rescue animal", which quickly loses it's charm after the initial rush is gone. She often thinks she could have her photo at the local shelter with a lovely description of her attributes of friendliness, loyalty, etc and maybe she would then be adopted and taken care of. But this is not an option at this time, so it necessitates self-reliance and control of one's own life. Elizabeth must now put on her pants and wait for her ride. She will have to face many obstacles on this venture that seem overwhelming to her at this time. After getting herself to the vehicle and arriving at the clinic, she needs to have a wheelchair brought to the car and get to the designated area. Will they help or won't they. That is the question.
Elizabeth has returned with none of the dreaded possibilities she anticipated. It all went smoothly and she is feeling satisfied with herself because it is over with and she is clear. She enjoyed the venture outside, feeling the warmth of the sun, seeing the beautiful trees in bloom and hearing the birds. She enjoyed the interaction with humans and smiled at people in the lobby. They smiled back and seemed friendly. It was overall a positive experience and she now wonders why it becomes so hard. She also got the mail which is another task that needs to be done on a daily basis.
Now she can relax for a bit until she gets the energy to clean up the horrible mess in the kitchen from her cooking experiment last night. She also needs to finish making the chicken soup that she started in her frenzy but ran out of energy to finish. That will take the peeling and cutting of vegetables, which is painful due to her arthritis, in addition to being messy, with peelings flying and her dropping things on the floor. This seems like a huge task to her right now but perhaps later this will change and she can force herself to complete it. She needs it as it is a major source of food for the rest of the week. Her money will be here on Monday and she must be careful.
Trying to have nutrition on a daily basis is always a challenge when one is living on such a fixed income. No more eating whenever she feels like it and depleting her food supply too early in the month. She will end up in trouble again next month too if she does. Measuring her food and cutting back is the only way. She must be constantly reminded to do this as when she becomes anxious she tends to soothe herself with food. Not that she has a lot of food, but it is not helping her situation to eat it without rationing it out for the month. This will be a great challenge to Elizabeth, but it will ultimately save her in many ways and improve her life. She is not one for planning ahead, she is one for doing whatever she feels like doing whenever she feels like doing it. This is because she feels her life is so void of everything she likes that she needs to make up for it by indulging in this freedom that others cannot due to living with someone or having places to go on a daily basis. She makes it a goal to find things she can do that others cannot do to make up for what she does not have. This has been her method of keeping her life as enjoyable as possible. However, this needs to be modified a bit for the optimal restoration and preservation of Elizabeth.
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