Surge of Wisdom

In my zig-zag life, I am currently in a zag.  I experienced another 2 months of the euphoria of believing that I had found my personal savior in a toxic person from my past.  I knew this was not to last, I knew eventually I would do or say something that would cut the tie and the feeling of someone caring about me and my struggles would end.  I am determined to accept and act upon the fact that I must  only depend on myself for survival. I feel my life is slipping away, day after day, and that it and I am being wasted.  I sit here in my apartment with my 3 cats, having no human contact for days and days, watching the world go by.  I watch the people come and go, I watch the cars and imagine where they are going.  I know the schedules of the "others" who live in this building.  I see them happy and smiling.  I see the daughter visiting her elderly mother every day, smiling as she herself struggles to get in the building and up the 2 steps with her walker. I wish for this with all my heart, that my daughter would care enough to visit me but that is not to be. She has chosen not to have me be a part of her life. I see the son across the street going to visit his mother every day to check on her and help her.  I  ask for a phone call once a month and some show of concern about my well-being but this too is not to be.  I am not a part of his life and my existence or lack of would have no effect whatsoever. These are the facts and what I have to accept and can do nothing about. Thus, I have to work with what I can change.  I cannot dwell upon that which is not in my power to change.  That is how lives are wasted. Broken dreams cannot be repaired through longing and "if onlys" or through the constant rewinding of the past in one's brain. This only brings sorrow, pain, constant anxiety, and the feeling of dread of what is to be.  One does not have control over all aspects of one's life. I would never have imagined that I would end up a disabled widow living at the poverty level totally alone.  I would never have imagined that I would be so quickly cast aside by my family and that I would have no friends who would be willing to take me on. It is so much easier for them to imagine that I live in this town where I am being cared for, where they do not have to take any responsibility for my welfare. What they do not see, does not exist in their world.  They do not want to be reminded of how fragile life is, and that they too could end up in this situation.   Thus, I must save myself and save Elizabeth on my own. I am a strong, worthwhile human being, having already survived 10 years alone and endured some of the most unlikely, unbelievable experiences that could be cast upon one such as me.

 All of the difficulties that  have been endured have been a test of strength and a lesson to be learned.   The complete lack of "fitting in" throughout  childhood, along with the ability to spend time alone, daydreaming, imagining  to be someone else, observing others and knowing  that being "one of them" was not to be, and being  constantly puzzled by their behavior is something to be grateful for. At times, longing  to  be included in their activities and indeed sometimes being so, never knowing why nor imagining it would last, due to the inability to maintain the facade of being like them for very long. The realization that these experiences were valuable preparation for the future is now evident.  Nothing lasts, nothing or no one  can be depended upon except  oneself.  You may think this is incorrect, that it is a delusion of a depressed, lonely  61 year old woman who has given up, but this is not the case.  It is  simply a fact being stated that, if realized far earlier in life,  would have greatly altered  the choices made.   Better care of Elizabeth both physically and emotionally would have been the priority.  Putting Elizabeth first instead of last during her third life, that as a mother and neglected wife.  That was the period of the greatest damage to the core of Elizabeth.  She felt she deserved nothing and was not a worthwhile human being.  She lived her life through others and kept trying to validate her existence through sacrifice and martyrdom.  She felt she deserved nothing and that only bad would come from any sort of indulgence on her part for herself.  She allowed herself to be treated as nothing by those around her.  She self- medicated and soothed herself in the only way she knew.  She was not shown love or self-worth as a child in a physical way.  She was loved, but not shown through words or physical gestures, she was expected  to know of this love through the provision of her basic necessities of life such as food, shelter, clothing.   She was but one of 8 burdens put upon her mother and father. This was her perception, not that of her parents, but as we know, perception is truth.  As a result, Elizabeth needs to be restored and saved.  She has the power and needs to grasp that power and take control.  There is no need for her to live in such a state of anxiety that she can barely function, that she can barely sleep, that the days are wasted .  She should not wake up and dread the long hours ahead every day.  She should not feel such relief when the sun goes down on another day, knowing that soon she can take her drugs and not feel the pain of her existence for a while.