Turning Over One Huge Rock

She woke at 4:00 A.M. and tried to make the best of it by convincing herself that it was a gift to see the sun rise.  She decided to indulge, getting herself  a bottle of Cranberry Raspberry Energy drink and enjoy the peace of early morning.  She knows she has to ration this latest addiction of hers and that she only has 6 bottles left for the week.   It seems that  during the worst periods of her life, Elizabeth has had  something like this in her life, some sort of temporary addiction as security. At one point it was a particular kind of gum.  She remembers how she absentmindedly left the chewed up wads of gum everywhere and drove her home care-workers crazy. She would then suddenly loose her desire for whatever it was at the time and move on to something else.  At that time, after her husband died, she qualified for help, as she was plagued with social anxiety, not being able to go out in public without panic. It was a very destructive time for Elizabeth, as she did nothing but sit in her chair soothing herself with food. She made plans in her head for months after her husband's death to take steps to change, how she would go to the doctor. and get help.  It had been so long that she did not know where to start.  Finally, one day she wrote the last doctor she had seen a letter, telling her all about the state she was in and asking for help.  The doctor responded and helped her get through the initial appointment by arranging for a wheelchair to meet her in the parking lot and not making her wait in the lobby with people.  She did not want to be weighed and she was not, because she knew it would be horrifying to know how much she had let things get out of control.  She had been indulging in everything possible, self-medicating with food, for years.  It was a relief to get some help. She was prescribed medication, an anti-depressant, and an anti-anxiety.   An  appointment was made for her with a therapist named Doreen.

This was the beginning of her new life.  She finally came to terms with herself , realizing that she had been depressed for years, had been living in an emotionally abusive marriage, and was deprived of more than one basic human need.  She felt validated, no longer blaming herself for everything, no longer running away.  Doreen was her #1 fan, helping her deal with the obstacles in her life.  She helped her make the decision to have the surgery that would limit her food intake as suggested by her  doctor.  Elizabeth had a hard time with this, as she was proud of how efficient, predictable and perfect her digestive system was, and did not want to mess with one of the few things that worked well in her life, one of the few things that were predictable in her life.  Finally she decided to take the leap, as in reality, her life was so miserable as it was that she felt it could not get worse.  She hated not having control over her eating and hated food and making decisions about food. She always felt better when she was on one of the hundreds of diets she had tried throughout her life.  She was constantly plagued with anxiety and hatred of  food and disgust at herself after she had over-indulged.  She had inherited the body type of her mother who also had self-hatred because of it and was always trying to battle it.  She was instilled with the belief that this was an undesirable body to have and that somehow one had the ability to change it.  She had always felt that she was ugly, as she had been branded as such at a very early age by a strange boy on the shores of a lake during a family picnic  who said "what are you looking at, ugly"?  This felt like a hot iron burning this word into her soul.  She would never forget the feeling.  She was very young at the time, but it made a mark that lasted.  It made her start questioning her appearance and she would stare at herself in the mirror, trying to determine if this were true or not.  Since her mother did not believe in complimenting one's children lest they become vain, she was never told anything positive about herself, only negative.  Her father did, however, on a few occasions, tell her she looked pretty, as did a few strangers on the street who told her she looked like Elizabeth Taylor due to her long curly black hair.  Elizabeth had always gotten attention because of her hair..both good and bad.  As a child it was always positive, the ringlets her mother twisted into her pony tail always attracted attention and comments.  This was secretly very enjoyable to Elizabeth, even though she blushed and froze when anyone spoke to her.  It was the one thing that brought positive attention.  Her mother was secretly pleased also, however never stating this fact for fear of excess vanity. As she grew older, she was teased because of her curly hair, being called frizzy lizzy and brillo-pad and she hated her hair. She felt it was punishment for enjoying the positive attention in the past. This was during the time when hair had to be smooth and straight to be desirable.  She tried so hard to make it that way but it never quite worked, not unlike losing her out- of- proportion hip to waist ratio.  One could only have a few inches difference between the waist measurement and the hip measurement to be considered to be acceptable.

 The whole process of getting accepted for the surgery was very difficult for Elizabeth due to the fact that  appointments were  at a hospital 50 miles away.  She had to have a volunteer driver take her to these appointments, so she was forced to spend quite a bit of time in cars with strangers.  This was extremely out of her comfort zone and she felt as if she were in another world.  The only way she could handle it was to retreat from reality and become someone else, a robotic person with no fear or emotions who could carry on a conversation with these people.  One man in particular was very nice and understood her plight so she could talk to him a bit more.  They even had lunch at a restaurant, and he did not flinch at being seen in public with her.  The first 6 months of going through the acceptance process for the surgery ended with Elizabeth being rejected by the surgeon as being too risky, with him making the comment that he didn't think she would be successful, and any failure would negatively affect his success record.  He did not care how much she needed it, how committed she was, how much it would affect her life.  She cried on the way home with that old man driving the car and comforting her.  She hated the surgeon.  After speaking with Doreen, she decided to go through the process again at a different hospital.  This time she got through with no problem whatsoever and went ahead with it.  She was alone through the whole thing, telling no one except her 2 children so they would know in case she died.  She told her family she was getting her gall bladder removed which was not a lie because that would be done also.  Her sister was to come and stay with her a couple days after the surgery since she could not be alone.

Everything went smoothly, until it was time to go home.  Elizabeth called for a  volunteer driver to take her home, telling  the agency  to send someone with a car, not a van as it would be difficult after the surgery.  A van showed up; the people helping her to the car got distracted as she was trying to get into the vehicle and did not hold on to her; the lady driving was in a hurry and grabbed her leg to try and help her lift it, and she fell onto the cold concrete.  No one could get her up.  She had to be there for over 2 hours, on display to everyone who came and went into the clinic. She was in extreme pain, both physically and mentally.  It was the most humiliating experience; she could not bear to even think about it for years.  She was not making logical decisions as she was so distraught; she just wanted to get out of there and go home.  In fact, she should have insisted on going back into the hospital and on staying at least another night.  She had twisted her knee very severely in the fall.  They had to summon the helicopter 6 person rescue team to use their team technique to get her up.  She felt like a beached whale laying there on the sidewalk. For one such as Elizabeth who despised drawing attention to herself, this was hell.  If only she had not let this feeling make her flee, having to ride the whole way home with an extremely angry volunteer driver who blamed everyone except herself for what happened.  Everyone involved was concerned about one thing, not being blamed for it and covering it up. Upon arrival home, she got into her apartment and her sister was waiting.  Elizabeth was totally exhausted but relieved to be home.

As time went by that night, the pain in her knee became unbearable and she realized she had injured herself.  Her mind would not let her feel the physical pain at the time, it was blocked by the extreme anxiety of being on display on the sidewalk, enduring the stares, the smirks, and by the embarrassment that her size made it impossible to get her up. She could not get up out of the chair to go to the bathroom, she could not take care of herself. She tried to get help by calling the hospital and asking if she could take medication for the pain with her newly healing stapled stomach but got no help whatsoever.  They had no knowledge of her fall, it had been erased from the records or more likely never recorded.  She then tried to call the local hospital and explain her plight but they were totally useless.  Finally she called the emergency room; they sent an ambulance, and once again, she had to trust others who were supposed to help her walk to the door.  She was terrified they would let her fall like the others.  They got her to the door by having her sit on her desk chair and pushing her.  They then got her on the gurney, strapped her on , and soon she was in the emergency room being examined as if a strange creature had washed up on the beach.  She had to endure a cat scan as well as every other possible invasion of her person. Finally, they pumped some muscle relaxers into her arm and she went into a coma- like sleep.  She was very uncomfortable, feeling as if at any moment she would fall off the examining table they had her laying on.  It was hard and too small for a person of her size.  She knew this whole day was a lesson that would never be forgotten; she would never let herself get to that point again.  They did not think she was capable of taking care of herself, they did not want to let her go home.  They did not take into consideration that she had major surgery three days before and that she was weak, that she had just been through the most grueling ordeal on every level, and that she was in extreme pain.  Yes she had to be cleaned up and helped to the bathroom.  She had to fight for the right to go home.  Finally, when the sun came up, she was released.  She had to prove that she could walk and stand which she did..  Her sister, who was furious at her for not telling her the whole truth about the surgery, came with a cane and she made it into the car and back home. Elizabeth tried to explain that the reason she did not tell was that she did not want to have to explain it to everyone, to hear all the negative warnings, to deal with all the questions and the expectations and pressure.  She wanted to do this on her own and keep it to herself.  Now her sister knew and Elizabeth made her say she would not reveal it to the rest of the family or anyone else

From that point forward things went well and the weight fell off quickly with no effort.  She no longer had the same desire for food, it actually made her sick to think about eating.  She could not even stand to watch others eat.  She soon did not recognize her reflection and she had no clothes that fit.  She knew she would never be thin , but considering where she started, the results were far more positive than she could have dreamed.  She could tell when the staring stopped, at what weight one was considered to be no longer worthy of  stares,  at, at what weight one could just merely fit in as an overweight woman, not a circus freak where rude comments were made loud enough for you to hear as if you were deaf  as well as obese.  This was a major breakthrough for Elizabeth and a very interesting observation of human nature.  With this realization, she knew she could conquer her fear of going to the grocery store and riding a scooter, which had always been an option, but she could not even bear to think about it when she was 125  lbs heavier.  Now, with the help of Doreen, who acted as a scout at the store, in order to help Elizabeth with her mental action plan.  Elizabeth could not deal with any unexpected deviations, so it had to be researched in advance as far as the exact location of  the scooters in the store, if there were any benches to sit and wait in case there were none available, where the handicapped parking was, if one had to walk through a lane of traffic in the parking lot which caused Elizabeth to freeze in panic.  The first trip was to a smaller store in a town a few miles away, as she did not want to run into anyone she knew. She felt safer amongst strangers. The day came when it was to be done.  Elizabeth could now walk to her car, and drive herself to the store.  She now felt confident enough to go in, get on the scooter and drive.  It had been at  least 10 years since she had been in a store so she felt like a child going to the circus.  All the colors, all the lights, all the noises, all the people were overwhelming.  She spent a long time just driving up and down the aisles looking at things she had never seen.  When she left she felt wonderfully powerful and free.  She knew it would not be long before she would be able to go to the larger local store and not worry about who saw her and what they thought.  She had not had any negative responses from anyone in the store as she had the last time she went.  She did not break out in a sweat and freeze and start to cry. She did not have the manager asking if she needed an ambulance as she checked out. This was a major breakthrough.  Every little step was gigantic and she knew she would never go back to that life trapped in her apartment, depending on others for everything, and putting up with unbearably annoying people in her home, but having no choice as she needed their help.   She knew she would get rid of them one day and be on her own.  Her husband had been doing all of the shopping for years, enabling her to exist in this way.  She was given a gift, the gift of a new life and she was going to accept this gift and move ahead and out of the hole from which she had been trying so hard to escape for so many years.  Elizabeth was back. She had crawled out of the hole.

These memories come and go for Elizabeth.  Sometimes she lets them flow and other times she tries to block them as she cannot go through it all again.  This morning she could let them flow as she heard the birds and watched the sun and heard the people outside leaving for their day. She finished her drink and decided to go back to sleep with the help of 1/2 of a Xanax because one rock turned over is enough for one day. One never knows what one may find under the next one.

Restoration Begins

Elizabeth needs care. It is already the afternoon and she has been in her recliner all day.  She woke at 8:30 this morning which is good, but she immediately tried to call her the person who abandoned her a couple days ago.  She still cannot quite accept that it has happened again .  Of course she got the answering machine again.  She as been hurt by this person many times in her life but she was the only friend she had as a child and keeps going back to her.  It is toxic to be around such an unstable individual but for some reason she is drawn to her. There is a certain security in knowing someone's behavior and knowing what they are capable of, the degree of their evil, and knowing what to expect.  Also this person has the means to help and does so for a while until she becomes bored and decides she is being "used", disappearing and abandoning the person who has become dependent on her for survival.  It is her mode of operation.  This was known by Elizabeth going in and she must accept that she got through another 2 months with things a bit easier.  Now she has come to that conclusion and will not be calling and trying again as that is pathetic and the toxic one feeds on that as she has seen it time and time again when it was done to others by this person.

Elizabeth has not been taking care of herself. She has been in a deep state of depression and anxiety for the last few days after the latest abandonment.  This causes everyday tasks to appear to be nearly impossible to perform, which includes showering, brushing teeth, washing hair,and dressing. She does not notice her surroundings.  This will be the first step in the restoration process today. It must become a routine procedure, not just something done when one is going out amongst them or on the rare occasion when one of them is entering her space. These tasks will be initiated immediately.  It is 1:49 PM. Elizabeth finds it necessary to plan things out step by step in her mind before she proceeds. Steps needed for this task are as follows: Rise from the chair, Walk to the wheelchair; Wheel down the hall to the bathroom; Rise from wheelchair; Prepare for the painful and unsafe entry into the shower.  This is very difficult for Elizabeth on a good day. She knows it is not safe to be here alone in her condition for many reasons.  She is unable to get help from the agencies  and cannot afford to pay anyone to help her.  She has been deemed "too independent" to qualify for assistance.  She must fall and remove all possibility of independence before she can get help.  This is a major cause of anxiety because she knows there is no one who would find her if she fell and she would not be able to get up.  Getting in and out of the bathtub for her shower is always a struggle and dangerous. She is brave to try but she will...on a good day..so here she goes. It is unfortunate that there is no one who checks on her welfare on a daily basis. She must be protected and saved.

Task completed with no unfortunate occurrences.  Also, after partially dressing , Elizabeth  actually called  the clinic for an appointment for her B12 shot at 4:00.  This is also a very important restorative step as she tends to put it off due to the difficulty in going out among" them", as well as the fact that at this time she has no money to buy gas for the journey.  This gas was one of the promises  made by the" toxic one" who did not follow through. Elizabeth is extremely hesitant to ask for help because it has not worked out well in the past.  There are always strings attached as well as the loss of the person from  her life as they feel she is not worth the trouble.  They sometimes feel she only wants them around because she wants them to do things for her which results in them not coming at all. This is a fear as she only has 4 people who  come to visit more than once or twice a year, and it is always a fear in the back of her mind that she will lose them too  She pushed herself and asked for a ride from a relative who she feels she can sparingly ask for help in extreme circumstances.   As her B12 levels go down, so  does her motivation to function as well as her energy level and decision making skills.  This is unfortunate because it is usually too late by the time she realizes it is time. Perhaps she should be more vigilant in maintaining her schedule of shots and not allow herself to deviate or make excuses for not going. In addition, she is eating a sandwich, drinking juice, and took her vitamins. Her tendency to rebel against any schedule or routine in her life sometimes works against her. She realizes it  is not working and needs to change in order to maintain some control over her nutritional needs.  Her food intake  needs to be more closely monitored as she runs out of food before the end of the month, as well as money, causing extreme anxiety and panic to set in.  Money is and always has been an issue for her  and has caused many problems due to the anxiety it causes.   In believing an unstable individual's promise to assist, she has put herself in jeopardy, as she made her decisions based on the promises made.  She finds herself at a very low point with an overwhelming sense that there are too many problems at once.  This sent her into a downward spiral which has necessitated the restoration. A strict schedule must be established and followed in order to survive at the minimum level of existence that is her lot in life.  Elizabeth dreams of more but it never comes.  It is better that she not associate with those with more as it tends to bring her down further and it does not lend itself to contentment with what she has.  Even though they may sporadically help her with essentials in between their spa appointments, they cannot be depended upon and they do not truly care one way or another if she survives.  She is their "rescue animal", which quickly loses it's charm after the initial rush is gone.  She often thinks she could have her photo at the local shelter with a lovely description of her attributes of friendliness, loyalty, etc and maybe she would then be adopted and taken care of.  But this is not an option at this time, so it necessitates self-reliance and control of one's own life. Elizabeth must now put on her pants and wait for her ride.  She will have to face many obstacles on this venture that seem overwhelming to her at this time.  After getting herself to the vehicle and arriving at the clinic, she needs to have a wheelchair brought to the car and get to the designated area.  Will they help or won't they.  That is the question.

Elizabeth has returned with none of the dreaded possibilities she anticipated.  It all went smoothly and she is feeling satisfied with herself because it is over with and she is clear.  She enjoyed the venture outside, feeling the warmth of the sun, seeing the beautiful trees in bloom and hearing the birds.  She enjoyed the interaction with humans and smiled at people in the lobby.  They smiled back and seemed friendly.  It was overall a positive experience and she now wonders why it becomes so hard.  She also got the mail which is another task that needs to be done on a daily basis.

Now she can relax for a bit until she gets the energy to clean up the horrible mess in the kitchen from her cooking experiment last night.  She also needs to finish making the chicken soup that she started in her frenzy but ran out of energy to finish.  That will take the peeling and cutting of vegetables, which is painful due to her arthritis, in addition to being messy, with peelings flying and her dropping things on the floor.  This seems like a huge task to her right now but perhaps later this will change and she can force herself to complete it. She needs it as it is a major source of food for the rest of the week. Her money will be here on Monday and she must be careful.

Trying to have nutrition on a daily basis is always a challenge when one is living on such a fixed income. No more eating whenever she feels like it and depleting her food supply too early in the month.  She will end up in trouble again next month too if she does.  Measuring her food and cutting back is the only way. She must be constantly reminded to do this as when she becomes anxious she tends to soothe herself with food.  Not that she has a lot of food, but it is not helping her situation to eat it without rationing it out for the month.  This will be a great challenge to Elizabeth, but it will ultimately save her in many ways and improve her life.  She is not one for planning ahead, she is one for doing whatever she feels like doing whenever she feels like doing it.  This is because she feels her life is so void of everything she likes that she needs to make up for it by indulging in this freedom that others cannot due to living with someone or having places to go on a daily basis. She makes it a goal to find  things she can do that others cannot do to make up for what she does not have.  This has been her method of keeping her life as enjoyable as possible. However, this needs to be modified a bit for the optimal restoration and preservation of Elizabeth.

Surge of Wisdom

In my zig-zag life, I am currently in a zag.  I experienced another 2 months of the euphoria of believing that I had found my personal savior in a toxic person from my past.  I knew this was not to last, I knew eventually I would do or say something that would cut the tie and the feeling of someone caring about me and my struggles would end.  I am determined to accept and act upon the fact that I must  only depend on myself for survival. I feel my life is slipping away, day after day, and that it and I am being wasted.  I sit here in my apartment with my 3 cats, having no human contact for days and days, watching the world go by.  I watch the people come and go, I watch the cars and imagine where they are going.  I know the schedules of the "others" who live in this building.  I see them happy and smiling.  I see the daughter visiting her elderly mother every day, smiling as she herself struggles to get in the building and up the 2 steps with her walker. I wish for this with all my heart, that my daughter would care enough to visit me but that is not to be. She has chosen not to have me be a part of her life. I see the son across the street going to visit his mother every day to check on her and help her.  I  ask for a phone call once a month and some show of concern about my well-being but this too is not to be.  I am not a part of his life and my existence or lack of would have no effect whatsoever. These are the facts and what I have to accept and can do nothing about. Thus, I have to work with what I can change.  I cannot dwell upon that which is not in my power to change.  That is how lives are wasted. Broken dreams cannot be repaired through longing and "if onlys" or through the constant rewinding of the past in one's brain. This only brings sorrow, pain, constant anxiety, and the feeling of dread of what is to be.  One does not have control over all aspects of one's life. I would never have imagined that I would end up a disabled widow living at the poverty level totally alone.  I would never have imagined that I would be so quickly cast aside by my family and that I would have no friends who would be willing to take me on. It is so much easier for them to imagine that I live in this town where I am being cared for, where they do not have to take any responsibility for my welfare. What they do not see, does not exist in their world.  They do not want to be reminded of how fragile life is, and that they too could end up in this situation.   Thus, I must save myself and save Elizabeth on my own. I am a strong, worthwhile human being, having already survived 10 years alone and endured some of the most unlikely, unbelievable experiences that could be cast upon one such as me.

 All of the difficulties that  have been endured have been a test of strength and a lesson to be learned.   The complete lack of "fitting in" throughout  childhood, along with the ability to spend time alone, daydreaming, imagining  to be someone else, observing others and knowing  that being "one of them" was not to be, and being  constantly puzzled by their behavior is something to be grateful for. At times, longing  to  be included in their activities and indeed sometimes being so, never knowing why nor imagining it would last, due to the inability to maintain the facade of being like them for very long. The realization that these experiences were valuable preparation for the future is now evident.  Nothing lasts, nothing or no one  can be depended upon except  oneself.  You may think this is incorrect, that it is a delusion of a depressed, lonely  61 year old woman who has given up, but this is not the case.  It is  simply a fact being stated that, if realized far earlier in life,  would have greatly altered  the choices made.   Better care of Elizabeth both physically and emotionally would have been the priority.  Putting Elizabeth first instead of last during her third life, that as a mother and neglected wife.  That was the period of the greatest damage to the core of Elizabeth.  She felt she deserved nothing and was not a worthwhile human being.  She lived her life through others and kept trying to validate her existence through sacrifice and martyrdom.  She felt she deserved nothing and that only bad would come from any sort of indulgence on her part for herself.  She allowed herself to be treated as nothing by those around her.  She self- medicated and soothed herself in the only way she knew.  She was not shown love or self-worth as a child in a physical way.  She was loved, but not shown through words or physical gestures, she was expected  to know of this love through the provision of her basic necessities of life such as food, shelter, clothing.   She was but one of 8 burdens put upon her mother and father. This was her perception, not that of her parents, but as we know, perception is truth.  As a result, Elizabeth needs to be restored and saved.  She has the power and needs to grasp that power and take control.  There is no need for her to live in such a state of anxiety that she can barely function, that she can barely sleep, that the days are wasted .  She should not wake up and dread the long hours ahead every day.  She should not feel such relief when the sun goes down on another day, knowing that soon she can take her drugs and not feel the pain of her existence for a while.